Post by monty on Aug 29, 2011 9:02:03 GMT
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning girl from Bangkok . I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't
get an erection ... but she did.
Paddy says "I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Really," says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owner's go blind?"
A man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator asks "How do you know?" He says "The sex is the same, but the ironing is building up."
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest p**is she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my
leg."
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well ... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid ... then I was petrified.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed some grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.
A friend wanted a pet spider for her birthday. I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance ... so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'That guy's heading for a breakdown."
This morning, while out walking the dog, I took a shortcut through the local church yard. I saw this man crouched down behind a grave stone, so I shouted to him "Morning." He replied "No, I'm having a sh*t - now sod off!"
THE IMPORTANCE OF EXERCISE
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning girl from Bangkok . I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't
get an erection ... but she did.
Paddy says "I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Really," says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owner's go blind?"
A man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator asks "How do you know?" He says "The sex is the same, but the ironing is building up."
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest p**is she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my
leg."
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well ... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid ... then I was petrified.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed some grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.
A friend wanted a pet spider for her birthday. I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance ... so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'That guy's heading for a breakdown."
This morning, while out walking the dog, I took a shortcut through the local church yard. I saw this man crouched down behind a grave stone, so I shouted to him "Morning." He replied "No, I'm having a sh*t - now sod off!"
THE IMPORTANCE OF EXERCISE
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.